The Distraction Guy

This just in:

A distraction from what? And why does he think I want to be told he's using me? Actually, let me take this one step further - why does he think he can use me?

I replied, so if he gets back to me, I'll let you know!

The "Hey Guys!" Guy

Is this the laziest copy & paste message of all time?

"Hey guys" - that's a weird opening message to send to a singular female, isn't it?

The "Why are you messaging me?" Guy

With a new week comes a new weird message from OK Cupid. Check out the latest conversation I had with some random:

I nearly cackled when I saw his reply! He writes me this cheesy copy & paste letter, then seems almost indignant that I dared to message him back even though I'm not interested! As if it's some burden on him to read what I have to say. Perhaps he's just real busy, guys.

I also love that he says he doesn't have some cheesy pickup line ready, yet a) this whole thing reeks of a pickup line and b) that last line, "...but I would like to find out," is a textbook pickup line at work. I can totally picture some sleazy guy coming up to me at bar and saying that while giving me the once-over. Yeesh.

I actually wrote back and told him that all I meant was that he would've gotten a better response had he put any effort into his message (i.e., my name is literally in the second line of my profile, yet he somehow failed to mention it). I then also said I'd messaged him back because he actually seemed nice and I was subtly hinting for him to try again, but...um, never mind with that part.

I really hope he writes back, I'm sure it would be classic!

The "I Seen" Guy

I decided it would be fun to have a regular feature on here about the questionable messages I get. I used to try to group them together, or link them together in some sort of theme, but it doesn't always work out that way. So instead, I'll be posting one-off messages!

To start us off, here's a message I received Saturday morning, along with my reply:

(Sorry for my crappy box drawing skills.)

Okay, so I shouldn't have taken to bait. I don't mean to lead people on, and I'm not really trying to be mean, but I couldn't resist a little snark. I mean, it's Saturday morning - at this point, my weekend barely  has a dent in it. 

Almost immediately, he wrote back. When I didn't reply, I got the following messages:

"I seen." He used the phrase "I seen." It actually makes me cringe when people write or say "I seen." If you've been speaking English all of your life, you just shouldn't say "I seen." I know, it's kind of snobby and judgemental of me, but it's one of my biggest pet peeves.

Not to mention that last message is beyond a little creepy.Why is he watching my profile? Why does he know that I'd been online earlier? And why does he think I actually owe him a response?

"Hope we are cool and didn't scare u away." How...how would we not be cool? Is there some pseudo-possessive thing going on? Was his asking about my plans meant to be taken as him asking me out? Hmm.

So I sent him this reply:

That was the nicest way of saying "stop being a creeper, creeper" I could think of without actually saying it. Next time, I think I'll just say it. 

Hilariously, just as I was starting to screenshot the conversation for this very post, I got this reply:

He seen my profile again! 

But yeah...no. First off, he's full of shit. Even if he saw our message thread in his inbox, he would have to go to my profile to know when I'd last been online. I just checked for myself: clicking on someone's username in your inbox will take you the message thread, NOT their profile. To get to their profile from your inbox, you have to open the message thread, then click on their username. So he purposely checked when I was last online, then lied about it. 

Secondly, I'm not 100% sure I understand what that last sentence is supposed to mean. My best guess is  "IS that bad I did that." 

So needless to say, I don't think he's the one for me. He's harmless enough, and this really is my fault for replying in the first place. But I think I seen this guy for the last time. 

The Unfortunate Paradox

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. Sorry!

One thing that has struck my as interesting as of late is the paradox you face while dating online: the balance between getting to know each other before you meet and meeting before you run out of things to say to each other.

My last date, as you may remember, suffered from the latter. We'd exchanged so many messages back and forth that by the time we actually met face to face, we felt like we knew each other. Except that we didn't. We knew all the shallow (for a lack of a better word) things, like siblings, jobs and pets. These are the "getting to know you" topics you discover on a first date with someone. We'd already covered that, but we didn't feel like we knew each other well enough to talk about the deeper, more personal things. So it got awkward, really fast.

A while back, I got a message from someone who asked me out for a coffee in his first message. I was taken aback by his boldness - that's never happened to me before! I wrote back that while I was potentially interested in getting a coffee, I wanted to get to know him a little better first. After all, the idea of meeting a complete and total stranger straight out of the gate isn't appealing to me.

He wrote back, saying he prefers to meet early on, so he can get to know the real person behind the screen name. Fair enough, I suppose. You truly can't be 100% sure that the person you're talking to is the person they claim to be. But I was still uncomfortable with this, so I asked him to tell me about himself.

His answers were masterful. They revealed enough information so that I would think he'd answered them, without actually revealing anything at all. Unfortunately for him, I saw right through it and decided that this guy wasn't for me - someone who's trying to pull a fast one on me, who is insisting that we meet right away, isn't someone I can trust enough to meet in person.

It has got me to thinking, though - exactly when is the best time to suggest a meet up?

If you wait too long, like I did with K., then you run the risk of not having anything to share with the person. But if you try to meet right away, you risk meeting someone who could be wrong for you - or worse, potentially dangerous. So there you have it: the unfortunate paradox.

I think what it essentially boils down to is the person you're talking to, the kind of chemistry you have, and quite honestly, their willingness to share with you. Someone who invests a week or so - or at least a handful of messages on both ends - is much more appealing to me than someone who just wants to meet. It shows that he's interested, and it allows you to build a rapport you can hopefully keep up in person.

On the other hand, someone who doesn't suggest meeting up can sometimes come across as disinterested, or too shy to make a move. While that isn't always a bad thing, it can also be a potential warning sign that there might not be enough between you to warrant a meet up.

It's all about personal preference, I guess. And I don't think the same rules apply to everyone you message. Do what feels right and what feels safe. Follow your intuition! If someone is pressing you to meet up, don't go. If they can't respect that you're not ready, then they're not worth your time.

And if they're not ready, you need to respect their decision. If you like the person, then keep talking to them. Maybe even let them know that you're game for whenever they are, so the ball is in their court.

The unfortunate paradox is a little tricky to get right, but with enough experience, you'll get it right!

OKC's Broadcasting feature: My thoughts

OKCupid’s app has a function that lets you make a “broadcast.” It’s essentially like Twitter – you have 140 characters to say what’s on your mind. Ideally, you are supposed to suggest a date idea, and those interested will message you.

I decided to give it a try. Not because I necessarily wanted to go out on a date with a complete and total stranger, but I wanted to see how this whole thing worked, what kind of people replied and if it was worth trying out for real.

The short answer: no.

The main problem with this is something I mentioned moments ago: these people are complete and total strangers. Whenever you meet up in person with someone you’ve met online, you have usually exchanged messages first. They’re still kind of a stranger, but at least you know a little about them beforehand. With this broadcast feature – in my limited experience – you get responses from people who have never even said hello to you before. Had I gone through with any of the offers to take me out, I would have taken an incredible risk, in terms of my safety and having an enjoyable night. (And indeed, some of the responses have been from guys with whom I’m horribly matched.)

Maybe it’s just me and how I prefer to handle myself in the dating world, but there is not way I’d ever go out and meet up with someone who I know literally nothing about. Online dating is nothing like meeting someone at a bar or coffee shop – at least in those circumstances, you can make observations and educated guesses about someone’s personality and your chemistry with that person. In the virtual world, you have no such luxury.

In all honesty, I think guys in general tend to care less about this stuff than women. From the people I’ve talked to, and from what I’ve read, in general men seem to prefer meeting as quickly as possible, whereas women are more likely to want to exchange messages before meeting. And maybe that’s the inherent problem with me – I definitely like to get as much of a feel as I possibly can of someone’s personality before I agree to meet.

A strange observation: a good chunk of the replies I got where “Yes, but only if you come here.” On the one hand, fair enough. I didn’t specify where I wanted to meet up (I suggested coffee or a drink), and my general rule of thumb is to offer to go to the person when I suggest hanging out.

It’s just so fascinating to me that a lot of guys would respond that way. Again, it’s completely fair since I am, as I made perfectly clear, a complete stranger. They don’t owe me a damn thing. Maybe I’m just not used to it – after all, every single guy I’ve met online has offered to meet somewhere close by to me, if we don’t live near each other. I guess my ego is a little brusied to hear someone say “You’re only worth it if you come to me.”

Overall, while I think the feature is interesting in theory, it’s not too practical. Maybe if it were for a friend-finding site, it would be useful. But on the whole, I don’t think too many women would actually use it seriously, and I don’t think too many men would get a lot of positive responses to the dates they suggest.

Bottom line: If you’re looking for a hook-up, it just might be your new best friend. But if you’re someone like me – you prefer an actual courtship, for a lack of a better term, and you’re looking for some more substantial than casual sex – skip it. 

"So I decided to get drunk" - My latest blind date

Some time last month, I started talking to a guy on OkC. Let's call him K. He seemed smart and sweet. He had manners and was even a little old-fashioned. He had a good job, his own car and more importantly, an adorable dog. Naturally, I liked him right off the bat.

After a week or two of exchanging novel-esque messages, I started to get a little antsy. Normally I'm the one wanting to put off meeting someone from the online world, but he seemed safe. Plus, we were revealing so much of ourselves to one another that I became worried we wouldn't have anything to say to each other once we actually met. So, sensing that he wasn't about to ask me out anytime soon, I took the bull by the horns and asked him out myself.

He said yes, and we agreed to meet up at a place to get drinks. Drinks seemed better than dinner, because if you're on a blind date with someone who's not a good match for you, getting through an entire meal together can be excruciating. 

The night of our date, I was excited but nervous. I spent forever choosing the perfect outfit and painstakingly curled my hair. A little bit of make-up, but not too much, and I was good to go.

I got there early, and soon after received a message from him saying he'd hit traffic and would be a few minutes late. No problem, I thought. I went up to the bar, ordered a beer and started texting my friends and playing Bejeweled (as you do).

A few minutes after that, I got another text from him saying he'd miscalculated and he would actually be there in 5 minutes. I paid the bill and chugged the beer as quickly as I could. I wasn't really sure if it would make a good impression, drinking without him, so I had to rid the evidence. 

I'm one of those people who can tell within a couple of minutes - or less - if the date I'm currently on is going to be good or going to be bad. Sadly, it was the latter. I knew right away. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, but I somehow just knew that not only would we never see each other again, but that this would be a painful date. Maybe you're thinking it's not fair of me to write him off so quickly, and maybe you're right. But if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I have killer intuition, almost to a fault. 

We sat down, ordered a drink and my premonition about us not having anything to talk about rang true.  We already knew about each other's jobs, families and hobbies, but it felt weird to ask about them ("How's your brother whose name I don't know and of whom I haven't seen a picture?"). Somehow it was like we were on our second date, but had never actually went on a first.

I don't know if it was just that we didn't have a lot to say, or if he was just shy/nervous or some combination of all of the above, but he was a sucky conversationalist. It was like pulling teeth. Example:

Me: "So, how was your day?"

K: "Good."

Me, after a pause: "...Good, good. I'm lucky, there was a training seminar at work today that I didn't have to go to, so I got the day off!"

K: "That's cool."

Me, after a pause: "...Yeah, it is."

So I decided to get drunk. After all, I was nervous. Maybe I was being a sucky conversationalist too, and alcohol helps make it better. But naturally, that turned him off. He probably thought I was pathetic for getting drunk on a first date, but I didn't see the harm. I knew we'd never see each other again, so why not have a little fun?

When it was time to go, he paid the bill, and he walked me to the subway. I offered to walk him to his car instead since he is unfamiliar with the neighbourhood, but he very quickly declined. As we were saying the usual pleasantries ("Thanks for coming all this way out...thanks for the drinks...it was great getting to meet you!") (Okay, fine. It was me saying those things and him saying "You too" over and over again), I noticed something funny. His feet were pointing towards me, but his upper body was facing an entirely different direction. Clearly, he was desperate to get far, far away from me.

I was minimally hurt by this. On the one hand, no one likes rejection in any circumstance. But on the other, it's not like my heart had really been into this date in the first place. It'd been a while since my last date, and I wanted to get back in the game, but I knew somewhere deep within, very early on, that I wouldn't have a future with this guy. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him out in the first place, but I couldn't help it. I'm a hopeless romantic. I wanted to like him, and that had been enough for me at the time.

Slightly drunk, I went and got some McDonald's, headed home and texted my best friend. All in all, not a bad night - at least I got some free drinks out of the deal!

How do they stack up? A comparison of 4 of the most popular dating sites

First off, let me say how sorry I am for not updating in forever. But it's summer, and with summer comes a busy social calendar. Things are winding down though, and I thought I'd pick up with this blog.

I feel like I've tried them all. That's not true, of course, but I've definitely tried most of the well-known dating sites - paid and unpaid - to find Mr. Right. So I feel like it's time I wrote down my thoughts about them. Hopefully, if nothing else, my experiences can help someone out there who's interested in giving this online thing a shot but doesn't know where to start.

OkCupid - Ah, the reason I started this blog in the first place.
Type: Free to use!

Pros: Very easy to use - it's probably the most user-friendly site out there. They have some interesting features, like the QuickMatch and the Crazy Blind Date thing. There's a decent mix of people, too. Yeah, there are some creeps, but there seem to be some genuinely cool people out there. I also like getting to answer questions about my thoughts and beliefs, and also enjoy being able to see specifically where a potential match and I are similar and where we differentiate.

Cons: Because it's a free site, anyone can joined, so there are in fact a good chunk of the aforementioned creeps. Also, their matching system is occasionally a little faulty. I'll get a notification of a great sounding match, but then it turns out he lives in another country. My neighbouring country, to be fair, but it's a little bit too long distance for my liking.

Also, if you rate someone 4 or 5 stars, it'll send a message to the person, letting them know you are interested. Cool, right? The problem with this lies within some sort of setting that some people use that will automatically rate you 4 or 5, so it appears that you like each other. I've found that a lot of guys with this setting don't bother to message you; at least, they don't break the ice.

Bottom line: I'd definitely give it a go.

Plenty of Fish
Type: Free!

Pros: I actually know two couples who met on here - one is married and the other has been together for four years. So that's cool! Actual success stories! POF brags that it's the leading free online site, and by the looks of it, they're not wrong. There are tons of people always online, giving you plenty of options.

Cons: Maybe I'm just old, but I can't figure out how the hell to really use this site. It just seems cluttered. The layout and design of the site is extremely bare bones, so it not aesthetically pleasing. In fact, it looks a little...cheap. I think that they're still using the same design they used back when they first launched and no one had heard of them. Also, because there are tons of members, there is a higher rate of guys looking for hookups. That's cool if that's what you're looking for, but coming across decent, potentially long-term guys is a little difficult. I feel like this is the place to be if you're in your early to mid 20s. Any older than that (and sadly, I fall under that category!) and you may have to try your luck elsewhere.

Bottom line: Proceed with caution. It's free, so you have nothing to lose, but maybe use it as your test run into online communicating, writing profiles, etc. if you're new to the dating scene.

Match.com
Type: Paid

Pros: Um. Err. Well, they boast about being the most successful paid dating site, so that's a good thing, right?

Oh wait! I know! I like the Winks that you can send. A neat way of testing the waters without investing any time.

Cons: Pretty much everything. Again, maybe I'm just old, but I can't figure this site out either. They don't make communicating with a match easy to do, surprisingly. Navigating around the site and people's profiles is trickier than it really should be. Maybe I'm completely clueless, but even locating my inbox took me several minutes.

The site is poorly designed as well. For instance, when you click on your messages at the top of the page, it'll allegedly open your inbox. And by allegedly, I mean you'll get a message saying: "You have X amount of unread mail! Click here to read them!" and you have to click on another link. WTF? Why isn't clicking on the messages enough to open the inbox? They also make generous use of the "read more" function - if a match has anything longer than a paragraph in their profile, you have to manually expand it to keep reading.

On top of all of that, I really just haven't had any success. Quite possibly because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. But none of the guys I've winked at, message or generally indicated some interest towards have ever gotten back to me. Luckily, there are plenty of men almost old enough to be my father who enjoy messaging me. *Shudders*

Plus, one of the reason why I signed up for Match.com was because I was sick of the copy and paste messages I was getting at the free sites. I reasoned that people who are paying are going to put more effort into the system, right? Wrong. Almost all of the messages I've received have been the exact same thing as the free sites: copy and pasted, completely impersonal messages. I was disheartened as soon as I discovered this, and is probably the main reason I don't go on very much.

And! This pretty much sealed the deal for me. They automatically renewed my subscription. Which, okay, I'm pretty sure it's in the TOS. The thing that pisses me off though is that they conveniently forgot to remind me that my subscription was due for a renewal. I definitely would have cancelled beforehand had they done so, which is probably why they don't do it. So if you do decide to sign up, make a note in your calendar or phone or whatever when your subscription is about to expire, should you want to cancel.

Bottom line: I'd skip it. Paying for a terrible service sucks.

And finally...

eHarmony
Type: Paid

Pros: Their communication system is really unique. When you're interested in someone, you send them 5 multiple choice questions (from a list they've created or 5 you've made up yourself). They answer back (if interested, of course) with their own 5 questions. Next, you send each other your 10 must-have and can't-stand qualities in a partner. Finally, you send each other 3 open ended questions (again, you can write your own or choose from a list). If you've gotten over those hurdles, you can message each other like you would at any other site. If this feels like too much work, you can always skip over at any step, but you have to ask the other person's permission first.

I also really like their "What if" feature. which is similar to OkC's quick match. You get a brief snapshot of who someone is, and from there you can message them, let them know you're interested or skip over them.

Cons: The communication system can get repetitive pretty fast. The What If feature is cool, as I mentioned, but I've never heard back from a single person I've been introduced to using it. Plus, I've noticed lately that there have been a lot of technical difficulties. Keep in mind, I use a Mac, so it could be a compatibility thing, but it's annoying when I'm browsing and suddenly an error message pops up.

Bottom line: If you're looking for a unique online dating experience, you'll find it here: NO COPY AND PASTED MESSAGES FOR THE WIN!

And there you have it! I hope it was useful in some way. Coming up next, more dating advice and a story from my latest blind date!

It's a jungle out there: Guidelines of online dating

Browsing profile after profile, I've noticed a few major faux pas that dudes tend to do while attempting the online thing. It's a weird experience, because it really is like shopping for a boyfriend. Or like interviewing for a job - it all feels really false. I get the tactics that guys resort to when trying to meet someone, but maybe if they follow the below suggestions I have, they might have better luck.

•                Always post a picture of yourself. No exceptions. Looks aren't supposed to matter, but they do. You have to be attracted to your (potential) partner if you want a romantic and sexual connection to them. If you don't post a picture, then you pretty much will not hear from anyone, ever. Maybe it's shallow, but that's unfortunately the way it is. If you have privacy concerns, maybe online dating isn't for you. If you don't think you're attractive enough...well, ask for help. Ask a friend to help pick the best picture(s) of you. Or if you have a friend who is into photography, get them to set up a mini photo shoot for they can get your "best angles." Just be careful not to photoshop - posting a picture of an airbrushed you might get you a date, but it won't get you a second! The general rule of thumb here: if you don't upload a picture, it makes us think you have something to hide!

•                Be somewhat creative in your photo selections. Most sites will recommend posting a couple of pictures. However, when they give this advice, I don't think they consider posting 4 shots of you in the exact same pose - usually a picture of yourself taken with your camera phone, looking at the mirror - really counts as multiple pictures. I've come across a surprisingly large amount of profiles where I've seen this. And no, it's not the case of accidentally uploading the same picture twice - in some, the guy is wearing different outfits. Doing this makes you look lazy and uncreative. I tend to respond more to the profiles where the guy has a bunch of photos of himself in a few different scenarios - it makes him look livelier and more approachable and fun. Much more so than that sullen man in the mirror.

•                Let me see your face. Perhaps the only thing worse than not uploading a picture is uploading a picture that gives me no idea whatsoever about what you look like. Yes, I've seen many a profile where the guy's face is obscured, blurry, far away, etc. Falling into the same category as the no picture people, keeping yourself a mystery will decrease your chances of finding Ms. Right.

•                Don't upload a picture of you surrounded by other women. No, you're not making me jealous. But when you post pictures of you with a bunch of other girls - worse if you're clearly at a bar - it makes you look at worst desperate to prove you can attract a woman's attention and at best a player.

•                Avoid posting pictures of you looking wasted. If you're actually serious about finding someone, and not just for the night, I recommend you think twice about posting that "hilarious" picture of you totally trashed at a party. I mean, look. We've all partied. We've all gotten drunk. There are tons of hilarious and hilariously bad photos of me at parties over the years, and I love them. But I would never put them on a dating site. Coming across as a big party animal could work against you, especially if you’re trying to market yourself as looking for a more serious or long-term thing. Think about it this way - a lot of people say they try online dating to avoid the bar scene - so please leave it there!

•                Choose your screen name wisely. A lot of the free sites make you pick your username, and that's fine. But just so you know, names like Mr. Niceguy and Lookin4Luv come off as surprisingly sleazy and/or extremely uncreative.

•                Put at least some effort into your profile. Filling those suckers out can be annoying and tedious, I know. The questions they ask are usually pretty goofy and most people struggle when trying to summarize their life in a small box. But when you clearly haven't put any effort in - answering "I don't know" or "I'll fill this out later" - you will be turning off a lot of potential mates. If you don't put in the effort to make yourself look appealing, no one will make the effort to get to know you.

•                Use proper spelling and grammar. I know that English isn't everyone's first language, and I get that it's not everyone's strong suit. That's fine. And maybe this the grammar snob in me but when I see someone write stuff like "u look hott" or use "da" instead of "the" and "wid" instead of "with," I cringe. Then I delete your message.

•                DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, COPY AND PASTE THE SAME MESSAGE TO A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT WOMEN. This is the big one, so pay attention. Guys: we can always tell when you do this. The jig, she is up. I will automatically delete any messages from someone who didn't bother to read my profile. You clearly aren't that interested in me and you didn't put any effort whatsoever, so why do you think I should bother with you? Breaking the ice is intimidating, I get it. But doing the old copy and paste is no way to do it. It may seem like a quick way to gauge someone’s interest, but it’s so impersonal. Here’s a tip: ask a question or two, or make a comment, about something specifically related to the girl. That will get you a much higher ROI!

So if you follow my advice, you might have better luck in the jungle of online dating. It's daunting out there, I know, but there are ways to make it a little less so. Really, all you need to do is write a nice, concise profile, and put a little effort into the messages you send. The worst that can happen is the person won't write back. Go forth, my darlings! 

Allow me to introduce myself!

Hello, and welcome to my blog!

I'm a single girl in a big city, and I'm looking for love! Since I'm kind of "over" the bar scene, and since it's hard to meet good guys anywhere these days, I thought I would do something a little different and try the online thing. I've only been at it for a little while but already I've seen come across some interesting things. So interesting, in fact, that I thought it would be fun to share them with everybody!

On this blog, you'll find my thoughts and opinions, tips, stories and screenshots from the best (or maybe the worst) messages I get from interested guys. All that and more, coming soon!