The Unfortunate Paradox

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. Sorry!

One thing that has struck my as interesting as of late is the paradox you face while dating online: the balance between getting to know each other before you meet and meeting before you run out of things to say to each other.

My last date, as you may remember, suffered from the latter. We'd exchanged so many messages back and forth that by the time we actually met face to face, we felt like we knew each other. Except that we didn't. We knew all the shallow (for a lack of a better word) things, like siblings, jobs and pets. These are the "getting to know you" topics you discover on a first date with someone. We'd already covered that, but we didn't feel like we knew each other well enough to talk about the deeper, more personal things. So it got awkward, really fast.

A while back, I got a message from someone who asked me out for a coffee in his first message. I was taken aback by his boldness - that's never happened to me before! I wrote back that while I was potentially interested in getting a coffee, I wanted to get to know him a little better first. After all, the idea of meeting a complete and total stranger straight out of the gate isn't appealing to me.

He wrote back, saying he prefers to meet early on, so he can get to know the real person behind the screen name. Fair enough, I suppose. You truly can't be 100% sure that the person you're talking to is the person they claim to be. But I was still uncomfortable with this, so I asked him to tell me about himself.

His answers were masterful. They revealed enough information so that I would think he'd answered them, without actually revealing anything at all. Unfortunately for him, I saw right through it and decided that this guy wasn't for me - someone who's trying to pull a fast one on me, who is insisting that we meet right away, isn't someone I can trust enough to meet in person.

It has got me to thinking, though - exactly when is the best time to suggest a meet up?

If you wait too long, like I did with K., then you run the risk of not having anything to share with the person. But if you try to meet right away, you risk meeting someone who could be wrong for you - or worse, potentially dangerous. So there you have it: the unfortunate paradox.

I think what it essentially boils down to is the person you're talking to, the kind of chemistry you have, and quite honestly, their willingness to share with you. Someone who invests a week or so - or at least a handful of messages on both ends - is much more appealing to me than someone who just wants to meet. It shows that he's interested, and it allows you to build a rapport you can hopefully keep up in person.

On the other hand, someone who doesn't suggest meeting up can sometimes come across as disinterested, or too shy to make a move. While that isn't always a bad thing, it can also be a potential warning sign that there might not be enough between you to warrant a meet up.

It's all about personal preference, I guess. And I don't think the same rules apply to everyone you message. Do what feels right and what feels safe. Follow your intuition! If someone is pressing you to meet up, don't go. If they can't respect that you're not ready, then they're not worth your time.

And if they're not ready, you need to respect their decision. If you like the person, then keep talking to them. Maybe even let them know that you're game for whenever they are, so the ball is in their court.

The unfortunate paradox is a little tricky to get right, but with enough experience, you'll get it right!