The Pathetic Guy; Or, the Male Ego at Work *live updates!*

Happy 2014, loves! Another year, another crop of weirdos to get messages from. This one is actually kind of a bummer, because it's not a weird or particularly funny one. It's a case of a bruised ego, and why sometimes guys really depress me. The minute there is the slightest hint of rejection, the name calling starts. It's funny but also kind of sad, because I try to be a positive person and send out good vibes.

Before I post my latest exchange, I want to reiterate something: I really hate, with an underline, copy and paste messages. I think they're lazy and unimaginative. Another blog talked about them, saying they're a way for guys (and presumably girls) to test the waters without putting in too much effort. And while I can sort of see it from that perspective, it  doesn't mean that I don't find it borderline insulting when someone can't be bothered to take 30 seconds to come up with something original. I'm not asking for a massive message; even saying "Hello [my name], I really liked your profile. [Brief mention of something I talked about in my profile to show it was actually read.] Hope to hear from you/other nice closing!" is completely acceptable.

So when someone has CLEARLY sent me a copy and pasted message with the cliche line of "you seem interesting!", I like to call them out on it. That's what happened in this case, and well...

[Again, sorry for my horrible box drawing skills!]

 

Yeah. Deep, deep down, I can almost see where he's coming from in asking if it was attempt for validation. Admittedly, I will work on that line, because in theory, I can sort of understand it. But on the other hand, if you have read my profile and seen my pictures, you would know I'm not the type of girl who asks strangers for validation. That should be obvious from the get go. I don't have any "sexy" pictures on me, nor do I have "funny" self-deprecating remarks that are really just bait for a compliment. That is so not what I'm about, online or in real life. A

It's weird that he assumed I'd want to actually have a conversation with him after he essentially called me desperate for attention. That's not how women work, buddy. It comes across as the ultimate male ego at work: you can say rude things to me, but I'll still want to talk to you because I'm a weak, needy girl!

And then the name calling. Sigh. It's still funny but sad that some men immediately resort to this after the slightest bit of rejection. My response wasn't bitchy or immature; it was a valid explanation and reaction to his comment. And it wasn't even a forthright rejection, either (although naturally I would not have continued a genuine conversation with this guy). 

The thing that depresses me about this conversation more than the others is that I don't understand it. I truly don't get what the problem is with wanting someone to put in the minimal required effort. I mean, FFS, my name is literally in the second line of my profile, yet he didn't even bother to use it. I have a secret word hidden in my profile, and he didn't refer to it. Clearly, this dude did not take a single look at  any of the words I had written. And when I called him out on it, he starts calling me names. Is that just because I hit a nerve, that I saw through something he thought he was being clever for doing? 

ALERT ALERT ALERT

HE WROTE AGAIN

I REPEAT

HE WROTE AGAIN!!

Breaking news: Prince Charming wrote again! I'll go in and grab a screen cap later, but the gist of the message is: Why are you writing back if you're not interested? I said you were interesting and complimented you, but you were defensive and trying to insult me from the get go. Go fuck yourself. 

Ah. Suddenly it becomes clear. It's definitely the male ego thing. He thought he was being so chivalrous for calling me "interesting" and I had the AUDACITY to write back and INSULT HIM. God, I'm such a bitch. 

This is quite hilarious for many reasons, listed below:

1. Thinking "interesting" is a great compliment. In some respects it is, but in this case, it's an extremely vague and generic word. What makes me interesting? Why am I interesting? ELABORATE, DAMN YOU. 
2. That he thinks he complimented me more than once. No. He called me interesting and then immediately implied that I'm desperate for validation. That's one compliment (see #1) and one insult. 
3. I'm writing back because you called me desperate and pathetic. What, like I'm just going to sit there and take it?
4. I wasn't being defensive. Giving a reasonable response isn't being defensive, it's giving a response. And of course it's going to seem defensive in his mind - he knows he just insulted me. ANYTHING I said in response to that would have seemed defensive to him, because that is how he assumed I was going to react. 
5. I don't think he has a very good working memory, re: me insulting him from the get go. I didn't get my snark on until the second insult he threw at me. Or, and this may be the most likely explanation here: maybe he sucks at reading comprehension? 
6. And finally, the lovely "go fuck yourself" response. That is the epitome of class and maturity, ladies and gents. I'm kicking myself for letting this guy go, because he is clearly a winner. 

Thank you, friend, for providing me with tonight's entertainment and with some food for thought. The male ego is a fragile thing, and the moment it's threatened, it will resort to name calling and the lowest common denominator: the classic "go fuck yourself/fuck you/fuck off" school of insults. 

Damn. This makes me wish I was a lesbian. 

The Distraction Guy

This just in:

A distraction from what? And why does he think I want to be told he's using me? Actually, let me take this one step further - why does he think he can use me?

I replied, so if he gets back to me, I'll let you know!

The "Hey Guys!" Guy

Is this the laziest copy & paste message of all time?

"Hey guys" - that's a weird opening message to send to a singular female, isn't it?

The "Why are you messaging me?" Guy

With a new week comes a new weird message from OK Cupid. Check out the latest conversation I had with some random:

I nearly cackled when I saw his reply! He writes me this cheesy copy & paste letter, then seems almost indignant that I dared to message him back even though I'm not interested! As if it's some burden on him to read what I have to say. Perhaps he's just real busy, guys.

I also love that he says he doesn't have some cheesy pickup line ready, yet a) this whole thing reeks of a pickup line and b) that last line, "...but I would like to find out," is a textbook pickup line at work. I can totally picture some sleazy guy coming up to me at bar and saying that while giving me the once-over. Yeesh.

I actually wrote back and told him that all I meant was that he would've gotten a better response had he put any effort into his message (i.e., my name is literally in the second line of my profile, yet he somehow failed to mention it). I then also said I'd messaged him back because he actually seemed nice and I was subtly hinting for him to try again, but...um, never mind with that part.

I really hope he writes back, I'm sure it would be classic!

The "I Seen" Guy

I decided it would be fun to have a regular feature on here about the questionable messages I get. I used to try to group them together, or link them together in some sort of theme, but it doesn't always work out that way. So instead, I'll be posting one-off messages!

To start us off, here's a message I received Saturday morning, along with my reply:

(Sorry for my crappy box drawing skills.)

Okay, so I shouldn't have taken to bait. I don't mean to lead people on, and I'm not really trying to be mean, but I couldn't resist a little snark. I mean, it's Saturday morning - at this point, my weekend barely  has a dent in it. 

Almost immediately, he wrote back. When I didn't reply, I got the following messages:

"I seen." He used the phrase "I seen." It actually makes me cringe when people write or say "I seen." If you've been speaking English all of your life, you just shouldn't say "I seen." I know, it's kind of snobby and judgemental of me, but it's one of my biggest pet peeves.

Not to mention that last message is beyond a little creepy.Why is he watching my profile? Why does he know that I'd been online earlier? And why does he think I actually owe him a response?

"Hope we are cool and didn't scare u away." How...how would we not be cool? Is there some pseudo-possessive thing going on? Was his asking about my plans meant to be taken as him asking me out? Hmm.

So I sent him this reply:

That was the nicest way of saying "stop being a creeper, creeper" I could think of without actually saying it. Next time, I think I'll just say it. 

Hilariously, just as I was starting to screenshot the conversation for this very post, I got this reply:

He seen my profile again! 

But yeah...no. First off, he's full of shit. Even if he saw our message thread in his inbox, he would have to go to my profile to know when I'd last been online. I just checked for myself: clicking on someone's username in your inbox will take you the message thread, NOT their profile. To get to their profile from your inbox, you have to open the message thread, then click on their username. So he purposely checked when I was last online, then lied about it. 

Secondly, I'm not 100% sure I understand what that last sentence is supposed to mean. My best guess is  "IS that bad I did that." 

So needless to say, I don't think he's the one for me. He's harmless enough, and this really is my fault for replying in the first place. But I think I seen this guy for the last time. 

The Unfortunate Paradox

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. Sorry!

One thing that has struck my as interesting as of late is the paradox you face while dating online: the balance between getting to know each other before you meet and meeting before you run out of things to say to each other.

My last date, as you may remember, suffered from the latter. We'd exchanged so many messages back and forth that by the time we actually met face to face, we felt like we knew each other. Except that we didn't. We knew all the shallow (for a lack of a better word) things, like siblings, jobs and pets. These are the "getting to know you" topics you discover on a first date with someone. We'd already covered that, but we didn't feel like we knew each other well enough to talk about the deeper, more personal things. So it got awkward, really fast.

A while back, I got a message from someone who asked me out for a coffee in his first message. I was taken aback by his boldness - that's never happened to me before! I wrote back that while I was potentially interested in getting a coffee, I wanted to get to know him a little better first. After all, the idea of meeting a complete and total stranger straight out of the gate isn't appealing to me.

He wrote back, saying he prefers to meet early on, so he can get to know the real person behind the screen name. Fair enough, I suppose. You truly can't be 100% sure that the person you're talking to is the person they claim to be. But I was still uncomfortable with this, so I asked him to tell me about himself.

His answers were masterful. They revealed enough information so that I would think he'd answered them, without actually revealing anything at all. Unfortunately for him, I saw right through it and decided that this guy wasn't for me - someone who's trying to pull a fast one on me, who is insisting that we meet right away, isn't someone I can trust enough to meet in person.

It has got me to thinking, though - exactly when is the best time to suggest a meet up?

If you wait too long, like I did with K., then you run the risk of not having anything to share with the person. But if you try to meet right away, you risk meeting someone who could be wrong for you - or worse, potentially dangerous. So there you have it: the unfortunate paradox.

I think what it essentially boils down to is the person you're talking to, the kind of chemistry you have, and quite honestly, their willingness to share with you. Someone who invests a week or so - or at least a handful of messages on both ends - is much more appealing to me than someone who just wants to meet. It shows that he's interested, and it allows you to build a rapport you can hopefully keep up in person.

On the other hand, someone who doesn't suggest meeting up can sometimes come across as disinterested, or too shy to make a move. While that isn't always a bad thing, it can also be a potential warning sign that there might not be enough between you to warrant a meet up.

It's all about personal preference, I guess. And I don't think the same rules apply to everyone you message. Do what feels right and what feels safe. Follow your intuition! If someone is pressing you to meet up, don't go. If they can't respect that you're not ready, then they're not worth your time.

And if they're not ready, you need to respect their decision. If you like the person, then keep talking to them. Maybe even let them know that you're game for whenever they are, so the ball is in their court.

The unfortunate paradox is a little tricky to get right, but with enough experience, you'll get it right!

OKC's Broadcasting feature: My thoughts

OKCupid’s app has a function that lets you make a “broadcast.” It’s essentially like Twitter – you have 140 characters to say what’s on your mind. Ideally, you are supposed to suggest a date idea, and those interested will message you.

I decided to give it a try. Not because I necessarily wanted to go out on a date with a complete and total stranger, but I wanted to see how this whole thing worked, what kind of people replied and if it was worth trying out for real.

The short answer: no.

The main problem with this is something I mentioned moments ago: these people are complete and total strangers. Whenever you meet up in person with someone you’ve met online, you have usually exchanged messages first. They’re still kind of a stranger, but at least you know a little about them beforehand. With this broadcast feature – in my limited experience – you get responses from people who have never even said hello to you before. Had I gone through with any of the offers to take me out, I would have taken an incredible risk, in terms of my safety and having an enjoyable night. (And indeed, some of the responses have been from guys with whom I’m horribly matched.)

Maybe it’s just me and how I prefer to handle myself in the dating world, but there is not way I’d ever go out and meet up with someone who I know literally nothing about. Online dating is nothing like meeting someone at a bar or coffee shop – at least in those circumstances, you can make observations and educated guesses about someone’s personality and your chemistry with that person. In the virtual world, you have no such luxury.

In all honesty, I think guys in general tend to care less about this stuff than women. From the people I’ve talked to, and from what I’ve read, in general men seem to prefer meeting as quickly as possible, whereas women are more likely to want to exchange messages before meeting. And maybe that’s the inherent problem with me – I definitely like to get as much of a feel as I possibly can of someone’s personality before I agree to meet.

A strange observation: a good chunk of the replies I got where “Yes, but only if you come here.” On the one hand, fair enough. I didn’t specify where I wanted to meet up (I suggested coffee or a drink), and my general rule of thumb is to offer to go to the person when I suggest hanging out.

It’s just so fascinating to me that a lot of guys would respond that way. Again, it’s completely fair since I am, as I made perfectly clear, a complete stranger. They don’t owe me a damn thing. Maybe I’m just not used to it – after all, every single guy I’ve met online has offered to meet somewhere close by to me, if we don’t live near each other. I guess my ego is a little brusied to hear someone say “You’re only worth it if you come to me.”

Overall, while I think the feature is interesting in theory, it’s not too practical. Maybe if it were for a friend-finding site, it would be useful. But on the whole, I don’t think too many women would actually use it seriously, and I don’t think too many men would get a lot of positive responses to the dates they suggest.

Bottom line: If you’re looking for a hook-up, it just might be your new best friend. But if you’re someone like me – you prefer an actual courtship, for a lack of a better term, and you’re looking for some more substantial than casual sex – skip it.